so i spoke to a friend tonight who commented that my blog was filled with day to day 'crap'. and you know what, that hurt my feelings. granted, its true, but it still hurt my feelings. so what if i don't do any soul searching in this pseudo-journal of mine. I don't do soul searching here because I don't really want to know what I would find. I'm not doing soul searching right now, period. I don't like to think about the fact that i don't know where I will be 8 months from now. I don't like knowing that the decision as to where i will be in 8 months is determined by the exam I took ten days ago, the exam that I had to throw out 37 of the 100 questions because i had no idea where to even start solving them. i don't like feeling like no matter how intelligent i am or how sparkling my resume may be, some admittance committee won't agree and i won't end up where i want to go. i don't like knowing that there is no possible way for me to do better in my courses than what i'm doing. my professors just don't believe in perfect, perfection is unattainable, there should always be room for error. i don't like knowing that i won't live in the same city with my girlfriend for years, if we even last that long. and i want us to last that long but who really knows if we will. i don't like knowing that i lead two separate lives. a life my parents know about and a life my friends know about and yet i'm not strong enough to actually open up and let my parents in. i want to share everything with them but i'm afraid that they won't accept and love me unconditionally, so i don't. i don't like thinking that i could be an alcoholic. no one really knows how much i drink now because i live alone. no one will really know when to intervene if and when i need it because i rarely let people in long enough to notice anything of note. i don't like knowing that i'm addicted to nicotine and caffeine. i don't really like being addicted to anything.

you know what, what the fuck ever, i don't do soul searching here because i don't want to continually think about all of the things that I want to change in my life. i try not to have a running dialogue of these things in my head because they are so overwhelming at times and i've only touched on a few here tonight and even these things can be overwhelming if i let them. i can only work on one or two things at a time and i'm doing the best that i can.