earlier tonight, just prior to amy arriving and me dealing with nervous jitters about having her over, even if it was only for a short time...
 
holly: what if she doesn't come
dana: did you have any alcohol?
holly: no
dana: you should have a beer
holly: why
dana: calm your nerves
holly: yeah, but i want to remember this.  i want to remember her.  i don't want anything to cloud this.  i need to feel everything.
dana: everything is perception
dana: are you  truley viewing - experiencing everything clearly now?
holly: in my opinion yes, but i am sure i am missing things
holly: i don't know.  i shouldn't be nervous, right?  i have no reason to be concerned, right?
dana: should I just tell you yes
holly: dana i need a friend.  i want to know what you really think
dana: be concerned
holly: care to elaborate?  i want your complete honesty.  just be straight with me.  i don't want cryptic messages.
dana: take every drop of her presence as a gift - but you have to do so cool calm and charming.  of course she loves you - but now it has to be even more stunning a and she needs to see the reasons she...    be attractive.  be the girl that she fell in love with.  remind her why you are so great.
holly: she's here!
 
almost exactly thirty minutes later...
 
holly: she's gone now.  it was a good visit.  emotional but good.
dana: you alright?
holly: yeah.  is it possible to be sad and happy at the same time?
dana: after 30 minutes - yeah
holly: it was so nice to see her, to hold her, to have her kiss me (no matter how brief)...  its so hard to see the hurt in her eyes and know that i caused that
dana: still there huh?  even after the room re-arrangement?
holly: yeah.  she likes the rearrangement but its still hard
dana: it's gonna take a lot more than 30 minute visits... good luck. Glad you had a good visit
holly: she isn't angry anymore and i rarely hear the hurt in her voice anymore, but i can still see it in her eyes
holly: you know whats funny, i thought she was amazingly attractive when we first got together.  she was so thin and athletic, always well put together.  tonight, she was in a jean skirt and a tank top.  she has gained a bit of weight in the last year and it looks damn good on her.  the girl has cleavage now.  she looks better than ever.
dana: hehe
holly: she looked gorgeous tonight.  and on the way here, she asked me to excuse her appearance because she thought she looked like a mess.  so what i want to know is that if she thinks she looks like a mess and i find her irresistably gorgeous, what i am going to think when she puts effort into her appearance now?  i probably won't be able to keep my hands off of her
dana: you're  so crazy
dana: are you hungry?
holly: not really but i know i should eat
dana: just starting to cook.  feel like hamburgers and homemade FF?
holly: possibly
holly: i don't mean to be vague, i just don't know if i want to be around people tonight
dana: I wasn't really inviting you for the food.  so it's fine if you want to sit and contemplate somewhere else.  my house just seems to be fairly distraction
holly: your house is fairly distracting
dana: I didn't know if you could use a distraction
holly: i don't know either
 
so dana and heather fed me some dinner tonight, thanks so much dana.  i still haven't fully contemplated my visit with amy.  for now, i am just going to enjoy the fact that i got to see her and spend a bit of time being close to her.