week one of midterms is almost over... thursday night with a vicious midterm waiting for me tomorrow morning. this midterm will cover 450 pages of material. i reviewed 300 pages today and feel semi-comfortable with it. i still have the last chapter to do tomorrow morning. i don't understand group theory. i didn't understand it when i learned it over the summer for a presentation, i don't understand it after listening to five lectures on it. it just isn't clicking in my head. i don't know why i cannot wrap my mind around the mathematical representations... i am trying to find a calm my mind down a bit before i go to bed. if i don't try to calm my mind the night before an exam, i end up having nightmares. i dream about the equations i memorize, the variables chase me using their exponents as axes... its really quite frightening. i had two major homework assignments due on wednesday which is why i am behind on my exam study schedule. i also have to give a presentation tomorrow afternoon. this presentation is the same one that i have been working on for three months now. it just isn't memorized. i think i have a block in my brain that is causing my inability to memorize the 2.5 pages. its only 12 minutes long. you would think i could memorize 12 minutes worth of words. shit, i lecture the classes i teach for at the very least fifteen minutes a week just flying by the seat of my pants. why can't i memorize this talk? tomorrow is going to suck. if everything goes according to plan, i will be awake by 6 a.m., at school around 7. i am going to work straight through until 11 a.m. reviewing the last chapter and writing my formula sheet. at 11 a.m., i will actually take the exam. from 12 to 2, i teach. at 2 i have to give my presentation. i have two meetings at 230 to attend. unfortunately i cannot be in two places at once so i will attend the work meeting and let the lab meeting slide (much the shagrin of my major prof). then its seminar time. i get to sit through a very boring 1 hour presentation done by a visiting professor. the whole department attends so i am expected to attend. last week, one of the profs was snoring through the presentation, it was actually pretty amusing.
this is the first time in a couple of weeks that i am doing the "i'm-not-ready-for-grad-school-i-don't-belong-in-grad-school" freak out. i've been hanging out with my teaching mentor, a second year grad student, rebecca, quite a bit. she helps me put things in perspective. she also has lent me her notes from the classes she took last year. it helps pull ideas together for me to see the notes she took last year in conjunction with the notes i'm taking now. she is also really good about making me ask for help when i need it and being there to provide the help.
i know i haven't been really good at keeping up with this journal lately. grad school is turning into a lot more work than i ever thought it would be. i have never worked so hard at school in my life. i was always able to just scrape by doing the bare minimum because i just didn't care. all of a sudden, i care and it sucks. i experience an overwhelming guilt if i am unable to complete a homework assignment or if i am unprepared for a lab meeting/presentation. i never used to care about that crap. exams were always what mattered and i would always wait until the last minute to study. now i hate that i had less than 48 hours to study. its not enough time. there are not enough hours in the day for me. between studying, attending classes, attempting homework, teaching, prepping for teaching, grading... there are not enough hours in the day... i'm also nervous because my students are filling out the mid-semester teaching evaluations this week. what if they think i am a horrible TA or who doesn't know her physics? i won't find out until next week.
okay, this is enough venting for now. rebecca is online and trying to make me feel better. i wish i had the kind of faith in myself that other people have in me...