i have wandered aimlessly all day. i am not tired yet. i don't even feel like i can sit still long enough to get involved in one of the many books i would like to read. reading has been my salvation for the last few weeks. i have nothing to fall back on except my thoughts and i don't want thoughts. i deserve them but i don't want them. my friends are doing the best they can to cheer me up but there is really nothing that anyone can do. i don't want to talk. i don't want to write. i don't want to listen to music, read, or watch movies. i don't want to play golf, work out, or ride my bike. i want to crawl into a hole until everything blows over but i can't and i know that i shouldn't. i am trying to be brave and endure the consequences of my mistakes. this experience is making me a stronger, better person. i just need to be patient and hope.