I am in a funk, deservedly so, but a funk nonetheless. I have been in this funk for many weeks now, hence the lack of recent posts. No one really wants to read the thoughts of someone who is in a funk. Funks are contagious and I really do not want to be the reason anyone else is in a funk. I am not going to write about the reason for my funk because it is a result of my own selfish stupidity. All I will say is that I hurt the person I love most in the world and at this point, I am lamenting the biggest mistake of my life. My friends, nationwide, have told me that I have to forgive myself and allow Amy time to forgive me and that I did the honorable thing by telling her my mistake, now it will just take time to fade the pain. Time will help her forgive me. I know that neither of us forget this. I do not want to repeat the same mistakes twice and I know I never want to feel like this again. She has told me that I still have a reason to hope for our relationship, that she still loves me. So I get to spend however long it takes trying to earn her trust again. The trust that I so foolishly threw away. I did not think it could be possible after all we have been through in the last year, but I am more devoted to her now than I ever was.
Enough of those thoughts for now...
I was talking to a friend of mine last Thursday night after I found out that I could not travel to Jacksonville this weekend to see my brother and Amy. She told me to go up to Atlanta to visit. So I got a cheap flight, cut out of work early on Friday, and spent the weekend in Atlanta. I love that I have friends all over the eastern sea-board that I can visit with little notice. My friends in Atlanta, Rach and Beth, were worried that I would be bored spending time up there this weekend because they didn't have any plans. I tried to convince them that just getting out of here would be enough to allow me to relax and I was right. Saturday we putzed around the apartment for a bit in the morning then headed out to the Apple store so Rach could get her iBook fixed. While she was waiting to be helped at the 'genius bar', she helped me pick out my next computer. I am very excited about computer that will come home with me by the end of the month. I need a couple of more paychecks before I can afford it, but I am still excited. In the afternoon we took naps at the apartment. In the evening, we had dinner with some of their friends. I love that Rach speaks her mind, its amusing to see some of the reactions that her comments bring out. I am more used to it than most people are, besides her girlfriend. Rach and I had a few minutes to talk after dinner. She was angry/shocked when I told her about my mistake. She read me the riot act the first time we talked about it, but last night we had more of a heart to heart. She is one of the few people in my world who isn't writing off my mistake to the unhappiness I felt in my relationship a few months ago. She is forcing me to take responsibility for my actions. I need that kind of friend right now. Sometimes her words are harsh but I know she is only harsh because she loves me and expected more from me. I don't know why but I needed her forgiveness too, I needed to know that she didn't think any less of me, that she still loved me. She graciously told me what I needed to hear last night which just so happened to be what she was feeling as well. The only thing that I will say about last night is that it is never a good thing to go to a bar where your friends know the bartender and you don't have to drive. This morning was nice too. I got to sleep in, get woken up by a little dog who likes to lick faces. I read on the quiet, cool porch for awhile. Then we headed over to Beth's parents' home so Rach and Beth could do laundry. Believe it or not, I was totally fine with hanging out and doing nothing. Rach went through some boxes she had stored in the parents' basement, it was fun to look through her picture albums. Those picture albums made me realize that I have very few pictures from the last five years of my life. The only pictures that I really have are ones from trips I have taken. I should really work on updating the pictures in my albums. We hit the mall again today so Rach could shop at A & F, I didn't find anything that I couldn't live without. We got some dinner and I caught the Marta out to the airport and caught a flight out of Atlanta at 10.
The "home" time and good conversations that I had with Rach and Beth have rejuvenated me. I am ready to face the Monday of a new week.
Enough of those thoughts for now...
I was talking to a friend of mine last Thursday night after I found out that I could not travel to Jacksonville this weekend to see my brother and Amy. She told me to go up to Atlanta to visit. So I got a cheap flight, cut out of work early on Friday, and spent the weekend in Atlanta. I love that I have friends all over the eastern sea-board that I can visit with little notice. My friends in Atlanta, Rach and Beth, were worried that I would be bored spending time up there this weekend because they didn't have any plans. I tried to convince them that just getting out of here would be enough to allow me to relax and I was right. Saturday we putzed around the apartment for a bit in the morning then headed out to the Apple store so Rach could get her iBook fixed. While she was waiting to be helped at the 'genius bar', she helped me pick out my next computer. I am very excited about computer that will come home with me by the end of the month. I need a couple of more paychecks before I can afford it, but I am still excited. In the afternoon we took naps at the apartment. In the evening, we had dinner with some of their friends. I love that Rach speaks her mind, its amusing to see some of the reactions that her comments bring out. I am more used to it than most people are, besides her girlfriend. Rach and I had a few minutes to talk after dinner. She was angry/shocked when I told her about my mistake. She read me the riot act the first time we talked about it, but last night we had more of a heart to heart. She is one of the few people in my world who isn't writing off my mistake to the unhappiness I felt in my relationship a few months ago. She is forcing me to take responsibility for my actions. I need that kind of friend right now. Sometimes her words are harsh but I know she is only harsh because she loves me and expected more from me. I don't know why but I needed her forgiveness too, I needed to know that she didn't think any less of me, that she still loved me. She graciously told me what I needed to hear last night which just so happened to be what she was feeling as well. The only thing that I will say about last night is that it is never a good thing to go to a bar where your friends know the bartender and you don't have to drive. This morning was nice too. I got to sleep in, get woken up by a little dog who likes to lick faces. I read on the quiet, cool porch for awhile. Then we headed over to Beth's parents' home so Rach and Beth could do laundry. Believe it or not, I was totally fine with hanging out and doing nothing. Rach went through some boxes she had stored in the parents' basement, it was fun to look through her picture albums. Those picture albums made me realize that I have very few pictures from the last five years of my life. The only pictures that I really have are ones from trips I have taken. I should really work on updating the pictures in my albums. We hit the mall again today so Rach could shop at A & F, I didn't find anything that I couldn't live without. We got some dinner and I caught the Marta out to the airport and caught a flight out of Atlanta at 10.
The "home" time and good conversations that I had with Rach and Beth have rejuvenated me. I am ready to face the Monday of a new week.
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