my first official day of graduate school has come and gone...
i was hoping to have made some sort of life altering observation today, witness something that would give me a peak at my future...
i woke up on time (for once), arrived on campus early. i survived my classes, without feeling too ignorant. i still struggle to pay attention. i had time to complete one and a half crosswords, eat lunch outside, visit with friends, run errands, be angry at all of the underclassmen clogging up the campus streets and parking lots, and eat dinner at jacki's house afterwhich i napped through most of 'princess bride'. seems like a decent day when i phrase everything 'quick and dirty' like that. the information conveyed in one short phone call has the power to overshadow or cloud any feeling of accomplishment i may have had from today. amy called tonight, she had a very hard day in her own world (she's sick, taught her kids all day, ran to her first day of grad school, then had to run back to her classroom for open house). as soon as she walked in her house, her phone ran. her brother brandon had another seizure, this one happened while he was driving. thankfully he had a friend in the truck with him who was able to get the truck safely stopped and hold Brandon's head so it didn't hit the glass (he sustained no head injuries with this one). he will be getting many tests done tomorrow to be sure nothing is wrong internally. she was trying to be so brave as she was telling me all of this but as our relationship involves many phone calls, we are better able to read each other's emotions over the phone than in person. the subtle changes in her voice, the little quiver... all i want is to be there to wrap her in my arms. to show her she doesn't have to bear her burdens alone. that she doesn't have to be strong all of the time, if she wants to be weak, then i will be strong for her... its been a year. we have spent one year of our 20 month relationship away from each other. i should know by now how to do that for her over the distance, but i don't... i wanted to jump in my car and just go... arrive at her house and be there for her... we both know that i can't do that, not tonight, not this week... i hate the commitments that keep me chained here when i know she needs support. it makes me resentful of them. i am angry with myself for not throwing caution to the wind and following my heart up to jax.

on a completely different note (simply because i don't feel like discussing the above topic anymore), i have an announcement to make:

I have been smoke-free for one week!

i am using the patch and the cravings are hell but i am sticking with it. last week was so hard that i know that i never want to go through that again. it has been difficult to relate to my friends what a struggle this is because none of them have given up anything that they are addicted to...

since i am updating using jacki's computer (thanks miss j) at the coffee shop, i should end this soon. i do not have internet access at home right now because i need to call the cable company and figure out whats wrong with my modem. i'll do that tomorrow.